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October 23, 2011

By Chance

October 23, 2011 at 2:45AM EDT

“Charlie Brown, if you got an invitation, it was a mistake. There were two lists, Charlie Brown. One to invite, and one not to invite. You must have been put on the wrong list.”
-Lucy Van Pelt, It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

October 16, 2011

By Chance

October 17, 2011 at 2:43AM EDT

“There’s children throwing snowballs, instead of throwing heads,
They’re busy building toys, and absolutely no one’s dead!”
-Jack Skellington, The Nightmare Before Christmas

October 9, 2011

By Chance

October 11, 2011 at 5:26AM EDT

“I’m just like any modern woman trying to have it all. Loving husband, a family. It’s just, I wish I had more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.”
-Morticia Addams, Addams Family Values

October 2, 2011

By Chance

October 05, 2011 at 2:33PM EDT

Sabrina: Nope. No. That is just a text telling me I have an email asking me if I would like to continue the service that sends me a text every time I get an email.
Jimmy: I gotta get one of those smart phones.

-“Kidnapped,” Raising Hope

September 25, 2011

By Chance

September 27, 2011 at 2:49PM EDT

“I am utterly indifferent to sexual orientation. On the other hand, I cannot abide hypocrites like you, Reverend. Tell your flock where your genitals have been before you speak for me.”
-Castiel (aka God), “Meet the New Boss,” Supernatural

September 18, 2011

By Chance

September 18, 2011 at 11:58PM EDT

“Remember where you are. This is Thunderdome. Death is listening…and will take the first man that screams.”
-Aunty Entity, Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome

September 11, 2011

By Chance

September 14, 2011 at 6:05AM EDT

“Well I lost to Deadliest Catch...which is another name for my vagina.”
-Kathy Griffin, via Twitter

September 4, 2011

By Chance

September 05, 2011 at 11:58PM EDT

“My name is Draco Malfoy. I am a racist. I despise gingers and mudbloods. I hate Gryffindor house. And my parents worked for the man who killed your parents. Do you want to be my friend?”
-Draco Malfoy, A Very Potter Sequel

August 28, 2011

By Chance

September 02, 2011 at 5:22AM EDT

“Well, I was on my way to this gay Gypsy bar mitzvah for the disabled when I suddenly thought, ‘Gosh, the Third Reich’s a bit rubbish. I think I’ll kill the Fuhrer.’ Who’s with me?”
-River Song, Doctor Who, “Let’s Kill Hitler”

August 21, 2011

By Chance

September 02, 2011 at 5:17AM EDT

Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting.
Homer: But I’m using my whole ass.
-The Simpsons, “Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy”

August 7, 2011

By Chance

August 07, 2011 at 5:41PM EDT

“Why should I listen to you, anyway? You’re a virgin who can’t drive.”
-Tai, Clueless

July 24, 2011

By Chance

July 26, 2011 at 5:22AM EDT

“Werewolves mate for life.”
“I know. It’s true.”
-Overheard at San Diego Comic-Con, 2011

June 26, 2011

By Johnny M

June 25, 2011 at 5:23PM EDT

“I’m taking my Muppet Jimmy O with me when I see the new Muppet movie. That would blow people’s minds. Or maybe they’d just think I was nutso. Either way, I’m the center of attention.”
-Johnny M

June 19, 2011

By Chance

June 20, 2011 at 4:28PM EDT

“You’ll want to focus on the neglected food groups, such as the whipped group, the congealed group and the chocotastic!”
-Dr. Nick Riviera, The Simpsons

May 1, 2011

By Chance

May 04, 2011 at 4:31AM EDT

“I really hope bin Laden didn’t get reincarnated as one of Mariah Carey’s babies.”
-@jimmykimmel via Twitter

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