Guest Recap by Salomon (aka geeklove)
Nothing can get me to hate Glee. Okay, so there have been a few things, but they’ve been fleeting. I can’t say it’s any one thing, either, which is surprising, because teenaged me hated show choir. It was one of those Montague/Capulet blood feuds between the Theatre Geeks and the Show Choir Losers.
After two ham-fisted preachy episodes (see “underage drinking” and “teen sex”), Glee‘s back to form with an episode that has an actual story and character development. Like past competition episodes, I was sure this one would have a standard formulaic plot (i.e., slow development > quiet growth > minor dramatic high point > BIG Broadway finish). This time around, however, Ryan Murphy broke from form and, while there’s still a formula, he gives us quite a bit more. We even get ORIGINAL songs, which is obvious from the episode’s title, “Original Song,” (way to give away the story, people). But then again, it is sort of a given, seeing as it’s been a subplot for three episodes now.
Really, I’m just happy nobody came singing through the audience like the last three times. Too bad they still wear those dresses, though. It’s like they have a deal with Windsor’s “Homecoming” line. Unless you missed the sectionals episode, then you already know Rachel Berry and the New Directions tied with the United Colors of West Hollywood—I mean the Warblers. Seriously, those guys emit a level of multicultural homosexuality that makes the cast of RuPaul’s Drag Race look like a Friends episode. If you don’t believe me, just check out last week’s episode, which featured a foam cannon…yeah, a FOAM cannon.
After tirelessly lobbying to perform original songs at regionals, Rachel gets her wish when Sue manages to have My Chemical Romace block the club from using their songs by sleeping with the drummer. Of course, it turns out the letter was a fake, and the drummer was actually from Jimmy Eat World. Their decision to do original songs is a risky one, as now the only difference between them and, say, High School Musical, is their frank sexuality and near lack of jailbait twinks. Also, no one on Glee has shown their underage furby. Well, Cory Montieth did show his bare ass in that one movie, but as Glee‘s resident Luke Perry, I’m sure he was of age.
On the other side of town, Kurt and the rest of Oscar Wilde’s School for Naughty Teen Boys are dealing with the death of Pavarotti, the group’s canary mascot. Somehow, I doubt Kurt and Blaine are really the only gays at that school. Either way, the bird’s death gives Kurt the opportunity to do a solo, during which Blaine finally realizes that Kurt’s the man-twink for him. He then delivers one of the best and most saccharin lines of the series—“You move me”—followed by a tender kiss. Yes, a KISS! Then, what I imagine is a spittle-filled make-out session. Oh, those high school days. Man, I miss those back stairs.
The smooch heard ‘round the world.
Despite all the awesome gayness, I still want to warn Kurt that Blaine is just going to break his heart, ruining him for future relationships and making him cruise Craigslist for even the smallest form of male intimacy. I mean, it’s Glee, what else do you think could happen? Elsewhere, Rachel’s backup singers start presenting their songs. Santana gives us a sultry, bluesy-jazz song about Salmon—I mean Sam—and his lips, aptly titled “Troutymouth.” The irony of her recent conversion to bisexuality (or lesbianism) is that Sam really is just too damn pretty—almost like a blonde Linda Evangelista. Plus, a song about “fish lips” was not lost on me…FISH LIPS. Puckerman followed with a rockabilly ballad about Miss Zizes’ “Big Ass…Heart,” and then Mercedes funked things up with “Hell to the No,” which was basically an R&B version of Rachel’s “My Headband.” In fact, if it weren’t for her singing, I would’ve just called it bad. Screw it; it was bad.
Elsewhere, Rachel and Quinn’s collaboration isn’t going as planned when she finds out Quinn and Finn have rekindled their romance, despite their best efforts to conceal it, which apparently involves holding hands in front of Rachel’s locker. True to form, she confronts Quinn, who lashes out at her and serves up some hot truth with a side of bitch. Quinn admits that her own future is that of a Lima Loser. “Do you want to know how this story plays out? I get Finn; you get heartbroken. You don’t belong here, Rachel, and you can’t hate me for helping to send you on your way.” The confrontation gives Rachel the inspiration to finally write her song, of course.
After some typical Sue-Will banter, they’re off to regionals where we meet the usual zany judges. Kathy Griffin plays Tammy Jean Albertson, a Christine O’Donnell/Sarah Palin type politician. Loretta Devine is stripper-turned-nun Sister Mary Constance. And then there’s Rod Remington. Devine delivers the funniest line, telling Tammy she only became a nun because she needed “somewhere to stay off the pole,” a plight I’m sure we all understand.
The difference between this episode and past competition episodes is the underwhelming performances. The Sue-coached Aural Intensity had what seemed like a five second song, followed by Blaine and Kurt’s lukewarm duet, and then a full Warbler performance of Pink‘s “Raise Your Glass.” The latter was definitely stronger, but they’ve done better. Obviously, the lackluster performances are all on purpose, so when Rachel Berry and The New Directions come bursting out, we realize how amazing they are, if only by comparison.
Rachel’s “Get It Right” is one of those love-lost, heartbroken ballads perfect for reminiscing about unrequited love. The second, “Loser Like Me,” inspired by Sue’s bullying, is obviously more upbeat and even came with giant “L”-Loser foam fingers and confetti slushies. Like I said: BIG BROADWAY FINISH. The winners, of course, are Rachel Berry and The New Directions. Not to be outdone, Sue slugs the lieutenant governor’s wife, knocking her out cold and leaving everyone dead silent. The episode ends with some routine hugging and cheering in the choir room and the crowning of Rachel as MVP. Her success leads to a lingering smile and stare from Finn. Gasp! Could he be falling back in love with Rachel? Of course! We’re talking about Glee here, a musical dramedy with a gay sensibility. The reunion of Finnchel is yet to come, as well as whatever the future holds for Blurt.
Seriously, Kurt, you’re both “winners” now, but nothing lasts forever. Just ask every fictional gay character ever.
Glee returns with new episodes Tuesday, April 13 at 8/7c.