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Gaymers: Purple Dildo Bats and Such

By Frag Dean

Gaymers: Purple Dildo Bats and Such

December 13, 2011 at 7:06AM EST

First of all, Saints Row: The Third lets you choose the size of your c*ck—and pretty much every other part of you—but your c*ck, your bulge, your manhood, you choose the size of it all. Oh, and if you choose to be female, then you can (yawn) orchestrate your cleavage. Saints Row: The Third is Volition’s latest sandbox gangsta extravaganza. Think Grand Theft Auto without the boundaries of good taste or any sense of reality. It’s what one would call a riotous rampage of romping. It’s the gay man’s favorite genre—camp—and it does it well.

Saints Row knows what you like: sexy men (you create them with the robust character creation tools), voluptuous women (they’re everywhere) and cheese. The wardrobe is a gay man’s dream, full of cheesy 80s fashion, hipster attire, cross-dressing frocks, or you can just take it all off and show the world your bounty (scrambled, but hey, it’s yours).

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The game gives you cool and outrageous weapons pretty early on, like a tank, giant purple dildo bat, helicopter, deadly blowup sex toy and a flying motorcycle. The digs are lavish and fabulous; you can own anything from a trashy apartment strewn with weapons or a broken down wrestling ring/casino, to fancy bondage clubs and luxurious penthouses. The game offers you an open and depraved city who loves you for your infamy and energy drinks.

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Ever escort a tiger in a convertible? You will. I don’t want to give too much away, but the game is seriously over the top. Imagine any outrageous Hollywood B-movie or action blockbuster, and you will find it in this game. You can throw yourself in front of cars for insurance fraud money, escort prostitutes, leap from any number of flying vehicles, enter a professional wrestling match or even go inside the internet, and so much more. I haven’t even mentioned the main story yet, which in itself is enormously entertaining. The voice acting is spot on, and the characters are memorable and lovable. The game is filled with bizarre twists and turns and huge Hollywood moments. With all its bombast and pomposity, its characters believe in the world and take it seriously. Saints Row: The Third is hilarious, but never forces any rib poking or “Eh? Eh?” moments to tell you it’s funny. It’s also very sexy, without being sexist; the men and the women sweat sex, but they both sweat equal amounts of it.

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Saints Row: The Third is not without its problems, though. The controls are pretty smooth, but can be wonky at times. I had a little trouble aiming, and sometimes downed light posts completely blocked me. It has two-player multiplayer, which is fun, but I would’ve liked to add another friend or two. Plus, when you help someone else with story missions, they don’t follow you to your game. Saints Row can also overwhelm you with enemies, until you enter a safe spot, which are pretty scarce when you start the game. And earning money takes forever. None of these issues are deal breakers, though. The game is forgiving throughout, and the play is pure fun.

If you’re looking for a sexy, silly, salacious romp (and who isn’t?), you owe it to yourself and your favorite bone (funny or not) to check this game out. It looks nice, sounds great, and hits all the right notes. So, call your fellow homos and start streaking.


Frag Dean is a podcaster on Silly Frags, available on iTunes, Sticher and sillyfrags.com. image