FBOTU’s Weekly Comics Load: The Black of Freakin’ Oblivion

By Chance

January 23, 2010 at 5:02PM EDT

Click! Click like you’ve never clicked before!

“I think you read too many comics.”
“Shut up!”
“I think you read too many comics.”
“Shut up!”
“I think you read too many comics.”
“SHUT UP! Let’s get some comics. Let’s party.”

	The Amazing Spider-Man #618 It’s no secret in the comics world that I detest Aunt May. And it’s not because I fear old people. It’s just that while every other character in the Spidey canon has gotten some sort of makeover or update over the years, old Aunt May is still the same old dotty octogenarian she’s always been. Plus, she’s got to be at least 30 years older than however old Peter’s parents were supposed to be. So, I guess what I’m saying is that while they have her getting married, having a lot of sex and wearing the very latest in neckwear fashions, she’s still useless. Until now. I’m sure May has probably been turned evil a few times over the years, but it’s all glorious and new to me. Her cruel, yet accurate summary of Peter’s failings made me positively giddy! Plus, the fact that Peter just accepts the abuse and doesn’t for a moment think, “This isn’t like Aunt May! She must be under an evil spell!” and instead rushes out to abuse someone else, just proves that evil May has been lurking in their relationship for years, just waiting to come out!
	Batman: Streets of Gotham #8 There are a lot of things I did not need to see in this issue. I did not need to see a closeup of maggots being extracted from a dead body. I did not need to see a scantily-clad prostitute in Joker makeup. And I most definitely didn’t need to see my beloved Dick in the arms of a potentially homicidal dominatrix. However, if all this leads to a scene where Dick is naked and tied up, then all will be forgiven. On a side note, the Manhunter backup story in this issue is a lot of fun, with some great moments with Batman and Robin. Check it out! Just skip the icky main story preceding it.
	The Flash: Blackest Night #2 What do you know? Captain Cold is kind of hot with his hood down and his glasses off. Too bad this is revealed while he’s surrounded by a bunch of Black Lantern zombies. Meanwhile, Barry Allen has accepted his Blue Lantern title with vim and verve and begins spewing hope all over Bart, who responds with the best line in this issue, and arguably the whole series: “You know what makes everything better? Gorillas!” You know I’m going to start saying that all the time now.
	The Green Lantern Corps: Blackest Night #44 I was a young man when all this Blackest Night stuff started, and now look at me: “beated and chopped with tanned antiquity.” But it’s starting to feel like there’s an end in sight. This being the Corps title, we get the whole freaky-ass GL gang involved. If you recall, Guy transforms from Green Lantern asshat into Red Lantern asshat when he thinks his beloved Kyle is dead. Even faced with proof of Kyle’s throbbing resurrection, Guy decides red is really his color and continues his rose-colored rampage. Frankly, I like Red Guy and hopes he gets his own over-the-top title. One last thing, I defy you to look at this panel and not shout, “Kiss him! Kiss him!”
	The Incredible Hercules #140 I’m really enjoying the humor in this book, especially the banter between Cho and Hercules. It’s a double-edged sword, though. Because of the lighthearted tone, I don’t really take any of the action that seriously. Then, of course, that feeling of safety is completely shattered by the smoldering neck stump where Hera’s head used to be. Sweet Zeus!
	The Outsiders #26 Did I miss an issue? Last I knew, the team went their separate ways and Brion headed back to Brionland after killing his zombie sister. Now, he’s being a total dick, the team is acting as his personal servants and he’s getting ready to behead Roy. So, clearly I must have missed an issue. And who the hell is the Eradicator? I must have missed that, too. Now I’m confused and angry and want to behead someone. I’ve turned into Brion!
	Spider-Man 1602 #4 Comics have always suggested that anyone who is different or misshapen or physically challenged is somehow inherently evil. Spider-Man 1602 goes a step further and suggests that anyone with a disease is also suspect. Of course, in 1602, plague victims couldn’t expect the sort of understanding they might find in 2010. Still, I feel like calling the medieval equivalent of the ACLU. For the most part, this series has been pretty gross, but I keep reading it for the nerdy literary and historical references. For instance, this issue begins with Peter Parquagh catching a ride with the characters from Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, including the Wife of Bath, who is even drawn with the signature gap between her front teeth, which we all know from our Chaucer classes was considered a sign of promiscuity. When I saw that, I laughed and laughed and wanted to show it to someone else right away. That’s when I realized not everyone finds obscure Chaucer references as hilarious as I do. Of course, Chaucer predates 1602 by about 250 years, so I guess it’s not that funny.
	Uncanny X-Men #520 Not too long ago, I had my back yard landscaped into a beautiful garden oasis. Shortly thereafter, a corporation bought my block to tear down and build apartment buildings. I couldn’t help thinking of this bit of irony as the drama surrounding Gilligan’s Mutant Island unfolds. Everyone’s homesick and wants to go back to living with humans. Plus, once Siege is over, Osborne will be out of power, and mutantkind will be welcomed back with open arms. So, it feels like the days are numbered for the relevance of Nation X, especially since everyone keeps saying it’s a bad idea to put all your mutants in one basket. Where will this strike originate, I wonder? As a last-ditch effort by Osborne? As a misguided attempt to unify the mutants by good old Magneto? I don’t know. One thing seems certain, though: Northstar will undoubtedly be tending his little garden oasis when the whole island sinks into the ocean.

That’s it for this week, kids! Be sure to share your own reading list over in the Comics Forum or post your thoughts right here in the comments section. Happy reading!