Straight Guy Watches “Human Centipede” So You Don’t Have To

By Chance

October 07, 2010 at 3:25PM EDT

I asked Sexy Comics Monger (aka Chris) to watch and review The Human Centipede, because there’s no way in a million years I ever would or could. So, I’m pleased to present Chris’s take on the subject. WARNING: The film and review deal with a subject matter not suitable for minors or the squeamish. You have been warned. Take it away, Chris!

So, let me just preface this review by stating that I’m a huge horror fan and had high expectations going into this movie. I mean, c’mon, we have our first real ass-to-mouth conversation since Clerks 2, so you have to expect greatness. There’s an awesome concept here, with tons of potential for gore and laughter, but where and how the movie takes it…well, click the image above and find out.

WARNING: SPOILERS APLENTY!

So our movie starts with a bang and introduces us to our villain, the “Doctor,” who likes to sit on the side of the road and stare at pictures of his ass-to-mouth dog. After hurriedly capturing (off camera, of course) his first victim, a trucker, we’re off to the races. Well, turtle races, anyway. Now we have to introduce two of the dumbest American female victims you have ever seen on screen. Apparently, they can learn the German language in between scenes, but—too bad—they forget it all in the next scene. Don’t worry, though, they remember again sporadically throughout the movie.

If you were driving across Europe, don’t you think it would be a good idea to stay on the roads you’re told to, and if by the slimmest of chances, you break down in the middle of the woods in a foreign country, maybe back track on the road you were just on, instead of walking into the dark, scary woods? But that’s just me; I don’t claim to be a genius. During our dumb female leads’ walk through the dark, scary woods, one of them freaks out and starts screaming. Really? In the middle of the woods in a foreign country where you keep randomly forgetting the native language? Tell me you don’t want to see this girl’s mouth sutured to an ass.

So, after turning around and seeing the house they couldn’t see two seconds before, they think the best idea is to run up to the door hysterically and scream (in English, of course, because maybe some nice Americans live in the middle of the woods in Germany): “Help! Oh God, help!” Are we surprised who owns this house? Of course not. After remembering and forgetting German a couple of times, our heroines get force fed some water. No, really. “Drink it all!” That’s not suspicious, right?

We finally manage to get our genius American chicks down to the laboratory where we meet the fat dumbass from the beginning of the already too long movie, and where the bad guy immediately guesses that his first victim isn’t a match for the girls, so he has to die. The Doc gets rid of that guy, but don’t worry, he finds a replacement. So let the ass-to-mouth operations begin!

We learn all about the Doctor’s plans, because, to fill some time, he explains it all in detail. How he already did it to his dogs and it was awesome, but now he’s upgrading to humans. During his explanation, he describes how he’s going to cut the ligaments so the “human centipede” has to walk on all fours, or twelves, as the case may be. Why? If you’re doing this to make a better dog, why not do it to another dog? After the off-camera surgery, we are treated to the doctor trying to train our man/woman/woman centipede how to fetch and drink from a dog bowl. Of course our nitwits refuse and get scolded only to end up biting their master. All we need now are a couple of dumb cops and our story is almost done.

Enter two dumb cops who ask for coffee, and don’t think it’s weird when the Doctor hands them his special water instead. They also don’t question why the Doctor is getting so pissed that they’re not drinking said water. As I started wondering whose mouth would be going where, we head into the final showdown/letdown between the the bumbling cops, the Doctor and his creation.

Like I said, I had high expectations for this movie. After sitting through the whole ordeal, all the while waiting for some gore, plot or an actor I didn’t want to slap, I have to report that I was disappointed. You do get two good gore shots, but they’re brief. And I guess there’s some accomplishment in creating the dumbest characters to ever disgrace movie screens. Still, I was left cold, because such a great concept was wasted in such a stupid way, offering only glimpses of originality in what could’ve been an epic, gross cult film. I mean, I could sort of relate, because I’d definitely kill myself if I had two chicks on my ass, but the only feeling I was left with after viewing the film was hunger. Maybe parts 2 and 3 (being filmed back-to-back…to back) with the promise of a 12-person centipede will be better. Here’s hoping.

Reviewed by Sexy Comics Monger (aka Chris). In addition to being completely desensitized to images of on-screen violence, Chris is the owner/operator of Pastimes, the official comic book store of Fanboys of the Universe.