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Comics Load: The Adventures of Bat-Cow

By Chance

Comics Load: The Adventures of Bat-Cow

May 24, 2012 at 2:52AM EDT

I admit it, last week I was pretty gloomy on all the Comics Load titles I was reading. This week is much better, I promise! We’ve got Bat-Cows and Norse mythology and a gay marriage proposal (or, as we call it in the real world: a marriage proposal). There’s been a ton of media coverage this past week, not only on Marvel‘s upcoming GAY wedding story, but also DC‘s upcoming GAY character revelation. It’s a good time to be a gay media sensation in the comics world. So, if you’re just finding comics (and FBOTU) this week, then welcome! The gay comics community is pretty chill. And while I can’t promise that we all say things like “pretty chill,” I can guarantee that you’ve found your people. Enjoy.

Now, on with the Load!

The Amazing Spider-Man #686
Written by: Dan Slott
Art by: Stefano Caselli

Congratulations, Spider-Man, on the most ridiculous plot twist to date. This issue begins with one of those classic cliffhanger resolutions that harken back to the old timey movie serials, where you think the car is going off the cliff, but then, in the next episode, it just leisurely turns the corner and goes on its merry way. Come to think of it, those serials were probably just copying comics. With all the resources Doc Ock and Mysterio expend on tricks and illusions to fool Spidey and his amazing friends, they could have bought a nice tropical island and retired. But where’s the fun in that? Ultimately, Spidey and Mysterio agree to team up to take Doc Ock down, but you didn’t really think it was going to be that easy, did you? Brainwashed Avengers Assemble! Or…are they just more actors from Central Casting? Tune in next month!

Astonishing X-Men #50
Written by: Marjorie Liu
Art by: Mike Perkins

If I had a nickel for every time I proposed to a guy in a misguided effort to save a relationship…I’d have $2.52. It just doesn’t work, unless you’re straight. Maybe women love that kind of thing? In this much-discussed issue, Kyle does what all my boyfriends have always done and turns down Jean-Paul, because he’s just not proposing for the right reasons. He’s then instantly abducted by some shadowy force of evil, so that must be some bit of comfort to Jean-Paul. Turn me down? Well, who’s going to save you now, Kyle? Since Marvel has already made a big deal about their wedding, I’m guessing that Jean-Paul and Kyle work things out before the next issue. Frankly, I was hoping they’d have a fall wedding and deal with some pre-wedding drama for a few issues. They could have had an evil wedding planner or a bachelor party thrown by Wiccan and Hulking…and Dazzler!

Batman: The Dark Knight #9
Written by: Judd Winick
Pencils: David Finch
Inks: Richard Friend
Colored by: Sonia Oback

I assume there’s going to be a test on Talon history once the Night of the Owls event is over. Or is DC considering releasing a line of Talon collector glasses at Burger King, so everyone can collect their favorite assassin? What I’m trying to say, in my snarky way, is that I’m learning a lot about all the individual Talons, their hopes, dreams and desires. But is there a point? Am I supposed to be gathering information, like a certain detective, so I can figure out how to defeat them and the Court? Or are we just filling pages until Batman knocks the Court out of Gotham with one bat-punch? In this issue, we learn that if you’re depressed, prone to violence and don’t mind the odd hours (or centuries), the life of an undead assassin isn’t so bad. So, let’s all jot that down in our Mead college-rule notebooks. Bring on the test!

Batman Incorporated #1
Written by: Grant Morrison
Art by: Chris Burnham
Colored by: Nathan Fairbairn

I’m not going to be reading this title. I wasn’t that interested in the first incarnation of Batman Incorporated, so that’s no surprise. From what I could gather in this issue, Gotham has been taken over by the Court of Goats, and they’re sending Assassi-goats out to kill Robin. It’s cutting edge stuff. At the same time, in a Supernatural crossover, the Leviathans are using the food supply to poison people. Sadly, the Winchesters don’t show up in this issue. The main reason I downloaded this title was for the image above. If Bat-Cow had his/her own title, I would read it religiously. Also, I’m a vegetarian. And I like cows. I actually sponsor a cow at an animal rescue farm. His name is Bruno. But I might have to call him Bat-Cow from now on and get him a little cowl.

Deadpool #55
Written by: Daniel Way
Art by: Shawn Crystal

Nooooo! Deadpool! You just got your gorgeous face back! Why don’t you stay home, hang up the tights and enjoy looking in the mirror for a while? I suppose if he did that, he wouldn’t be Deadpool. So, of course he runs right out and attacks a meeting of Marvel’s weirdest rogues and gets his face bashed in. No healing factor, remember? Stupid. The least he could do is wear a helmet or something. Maybe Tony Stark could make him a face-protecting mask of some kind. I’m not usually this shallow about appearances, but come on! Doesn’t Wade deserve a few weeks to enjoy his looks and try some fabulous Kiehl’s skin care products?

Journey Into Mystery #638
Written by: Dan Abnett, Kieron Gillen, Andy Lanning
Art by: Carmine Di Giandomenico

While Thor disguised as a mechanic is hot enough by itself, adding Chris Hemsworth to that scenario via my Avengers-drenched imagination makes it especially blistering. Lordy. But this issue isn’t about him. It’s about the Dark Sisterhood. In fact, if you’re a Dark Sisterhood fanboy or fangirl, this is the book for you. I know you’re out there. The details are a little dreary, though. See, once again women are only valued as virgins. As soon as they get a little freaky, the menfolk get nervous and curse them to an eternity of cannibalism or marriage. Ironically, all this “cuckolding” is leading to a wedding, presided over by none other than the worst father/grandfather ever: Bor. Yeah. Bor makes Odin look like Father of the Year. Now, back to Chris Hemsworth in coveralls, a tank top and a baseball cap. I don’t know about you, but I could use a tune up.

Mighty Thor #14
Written by: Matt Fraction
Art by: Pepe Larraz

Remember when Callisto wanted to become a goddess on Xena? First she got a golden apple for immortality, then some gummy ambrosia for godhood. Well, Doctor Donald Blake is on the same mission. He’s bummed, because he believes his whole existence is a sham, a cover created by Odin to house Thor. Dandy Don seems to resent having Thor inside him for all those years, which makes no sense whatsoever. However, Enchantress promises him that after a horrific and painful transformation, he, too, can become a god, just like Thor and Callisto. Her bedside manner is a little lacking, though, since the only comfort she provides him is: “I’d pray for someone to help you, but no one would listen.” Coincidentally, that’s what the priests always told me when it was my turn to be an altar boy. Meanwhile, Thor is still trapped in a nightmare realm, while the freaky-ass mares run amok. You know it’s a nightmare realm, because Odin shows up, and that old queen is pissed. Where is Xena when you need her?

Superman #9
Written by: Keith Giffen, Dan Jurgens
Pencils: Dan Jurgens
Inks: Jesús Merino
Colored by: Richard Horie, Tanya Horie

I’m sure there’s a way to show Superman bursting out of the water with a gigantic submarine in his hands without it looking homoerotic. Jurgens didn’t try too hard, though, so for that, we’re thankful. But saving seamen isn’t the only thing on Superman’s mind in this issue. He’s also got to deal with Lois’s threats about her horrible sister, a sleazy journalist trying to expose his secret identity and some goth chick named Anguish who’s powerful enough to actually hurt him. No mention or sight of Helspont in this issue, so he’s probably just packed up his cares and woes and caught the first intergalactic flight out of Metropolis. Whew! Glad that’s over.

Teen Titans #9
Written by: Tom DeFalco, Scott Lobdell
Pencils: Ig Guara
Inks: J.P. Mayer
Colored by: Andrew Dalhouse

I’m not sorry that the Culling is wrapping up. In many ways, I feel like I already went through all this with the Teen Titans, Terror Titans and the Clock King back in the pre-relaunch days. Not to mention The Hunger Games and the Summer Olympics. Teenagers fighting to the death is all fun and games until the market is oversaturated. So, to paraphrase Buffy, the battle’s done, and they kind of won, so it’s time to sound the victory cheer. But where do they go from here? They do have a handful of clues about Harvest, about Wonder Girl’s powers, about Kid Flash’s mysterious past. So, can they all get along and work as a team now? We shall see. On a side note, as N.O.W.H.E.R.E. is crumbling down around him, I admire Harvest’s confidence in proclaiming, “I wanted this to happen! I planned this all along!” It’s exactly what I do whenever one of my evil plans gets thwarted by a bunch of do-gooder teenagers. But I’ll be back! (And so will Harvest, I’m assuming.)

The Unwritten #37
Written by: Mike Carey, Peter Gross
Art by:: Peter Gross
Colored by: Chris Chuckry

I could have stopped reading this title after the last issue, which brought a pretty satisfying ending to Tom Taylor’s magical journey. Besides, where can they possibly go from here? How about Tommy cults, missing disciples and the end of the world? Sure, why not? Bring it. Though I don’t write about it that often (mainly because I never have anything funny to say about it), this is still one of my favorite books. There have been several collections now, and like I said, there have only been 36 issues, plus a handful of extras. You might as well catch up and get on board the Tommy train! P.S. The Tommy train does not go to Hogwarts. It goes to another school…on Mars!