How exciting to have Smallville among my weekly downloads! I’m going to read it every Friday night at 9/8c and sing, “Somebody saaaaaaave me…” before I read each issue. As you may know, I’ve gone completely digital with my comics. My lifestyle no longer allows me to collect and store endless boxes of comics, so now my entire collection must be cloud-based. If I’m not reading your favorite series, be sure to let me know. If it’s available digitally, I will definitely give it a try. Also, be sure to let us know what you’re reading this week in the comments section below.
Now, on with the Load!
“Somebody saaaaaaaaaave me…I don’t care how you do it…”
Read last week’s Comics Load here.
Sigh. Are you seriously telling me that Iron Man could defeat Magneto? I’m willing to concede that Magento isn’t exactly on the top of his game here. If you drop a 170-ton tower on top of a billionaire playboy and he digs his way out, you drop another one on him. That’s supervillainy 101, Mags. Don’t just stand around and wait for him to call upon the power of Jupiter to punish you. The only way to redeem this battle is to imagine Ian McKellan tossing off Magneto’s bitchy bon mots at Robert Downey, Jr.‘s Iron Man. If it were a battle of wits, the point would go to Sir Ian. The next battle is between Namor and Thing. Now, you all know how much I detest Ms. Thing. I was really hoping to see Namor finish her off once and for all. Again, I was severely disappointed in the outcome. I suppose these Vs issues really aren’t for me. I’m in the X-Men camp, anyway, and I don’t really see Marvel letting the Avengers lose any battles just as their movie is coming out. (Though, they should! Stupid Avengers.) So, I’m just going to rewrite this issue in my head. Winners: Magneto and Namor. Yay!
I’ve always liked the Human Torch/Spider-Man bromance, so I was understandably delighted to see Johnny move in with Peter. Peter is less excited. Johnny’s that college roommate… the one who drinks all your Sprite, uses all your condoms and leaves his clothes lying around everywhere. His only redeeming quality is that he’s nearly naked almost all of the time. For some reason, this isn’t enough to placate Parker. He wants Johnny out. Johnny throws one last bash, and Peter almost changes his mind, but it’s just not meant to be. If only Daken were still around, Johnny could move in with him. They could get high on Heat and kill the neighbors. Maybe Hulkling and Wiccan need a roommate.
The Mighty Thor
I’m wondering if part of Thor’s amnesia also involves a significant loss of brain cells. If an ancient door has a note on it that says, “For the love of god, don’t open this door!” any reasonable Thunder God would heed the message. Oh no, not Thor. He goes at it, hammer swinging. Why are the big, pretty ones always so dumb? Of course, he finds himself in a nightmare situation, having unleashed something called the “Mares,” which Wikipedia assures me are either female horses or a municipality in Romania. I’ll get back to you on that one. Meanwhile, Dr. Donald Blake is having something of an existential crisis of his own, realizing that he only existed to be a vessel for Thor (join the club, honey). Well, he’s pissed and wants his mojo back. Enter Enchantress. Can a Thor vs. Doctor Don battle be brewing? Will it be in Romania? Will Thor remember to show up?
Smallville: Season 11
Oops! I meant to cover this last week. Smallville is back! In comics form, anyway, which is a huge plus, if you ask me. The TV series lacked the budget and scope to really tell the big Superman stories. A comic, on the other hand, is bound only by the writer’s imagination. Already, there have been more extras in two issues than appeared in 10 seasons of the show. Hurrah! Clark has settled into his Superman routine, flying around the world, saving cosmonauts and whatnot. This thrills and inspires Oliver, Chloe and Lois, but royally annoys Lex, who only has vague memories of ever knowing Clark (or starring in Sorority Boys). He’s concerned about the benevolent hero turning against the human race. You know, standard Lex stuff. Meanwhile, Clark wants to come out to the world as an alien. Lois advises him to stay in the closet for now, but we’ll see how long that lasts. Come out, Clark! It gets better, I promise.
Ugh, Helspont. You don’t just stick something pink and wiggly in a guy’s mouth without permission. Majorly uncool, bro. Supes isn’t too happy about it, either. Helspont tries to show Superman a possible timeline where the world has turned against him, refers to him as an “it” and sends the Justice League to bring him down. Helspont does have a point. If Superman were some terrifying gelatinous monster alien, and not super hot and sexy, would Earth still love him? Would the Kents? Supes isn’t buying it, and he’s not buying the junior level position Helspont is offering in his plan to take over the planet. Fists are thrown, words are exchanged, Superman unleashes the super bulge and frightens Helspont away. Then Supes is like, “I gotta go. Jimmy’s spending the night.” We haven’t seen the last of Helspont, I’m sure. Nor Lucy Lane, who makes her debut as a total b*tch from hell. If she’s gonna be that way, let’s hope Supergirl kills her again ASAP.
The rescue/escape plan didn’t go exactly as the Teens hoped. They are officially prisoners of N.O.W.H.E.R.E. and Harvest and all his creepy minions. This is exactly what they’ve been trying to avoid for the past seven issues. For most of this issue, they’re at the mercy of Omen, a nasty little number who can pry open your mind and see all your secrets. She’s stripping the team bare, in more ways than one, and they’re all getting a good look at one another. (Robin’s afraid of becoming a bird; Cassie’s really powerless; Bart is a “tapestry”; and Miguel is uncut.) Omen’s tricks may inadvertently be making them stronger as a team in the process, which should come in handy for the “culling.” Noticeably absent from this issue is Superboy. Will he be part of the culling, or will he be the culler. Culler? You know what I mean. I foresee a dramatic moment ahead where he fights off his programming and saves his new friends. Sorry, spoiler alert!