sorry to post this here as a welcome/type thing, since i havent posted much.

ive been with my boyfriend for awhile now, and our intimacy has become a little strained. i got a little worrysome about it and took a peek at his web history and found that he’s been regularly visiting a live cam sex site for a few weeks. it’s a site that offers free chats/previews, but you have to pay for one on one private chats. and it turns out he has done just that. paying guys to pose and jack off and do whatever else on cam that i can imagine.

i don’t know how i feel about it all. it feels like he’s disrespecting the relationship, especially because we’re pretty open about masturbating, seperately and together, because we all do anyway, right? and i’m very open with him about porn and we talk about it regularly, but here he is, doing this and spending chunks of money on it.

its the whole interactivity of it that really bothers me. it’s not just some video of a guy 10 times hotter than me. now hes performing for him and getting paid to do so. whats the line between this and paying someone off an escort site or craigslist to come do it in front of you? i know that seems like a crazy comparison, but to me, it’s not that far off…

i just know that if i were on a site like this by myself, he’d probably be upset too. i have to assume thats why he hasnt brought it up to me. i might feel different if it was an activity for both of us.. but t this time, the secrecy and the feeling of being lied to is starting to weigh me down..

id love any advice and insight.. thanks

I would suggest expressing discontent with the state of your intimacy, and ask what the two of you can do together to improve it.

but i still need to find a way to express discontent about the webcam site. i dont have a problem with porn, but thinking of him on a site like that just gives me this feeling in the pit of my stomach

Wish I had some advice for you because I’ve been in the same boat before and it didn’t go so well when I brought it up. But I wish you all the best in trying to resolve this!

StormClouds - 05 February 2010 11:23 PM

but i still need to find a way to express discontent about the webcam site. i dont have a problem with porn, but thinking of him on a site like that just gives me this feeling in the pit of my stomach

You cannot express your feelings about the pornography without revealing that you do not trust him and went through his things.

Moreover, the pornography is not necessarily the problem; that he feels the need to hide it from you is the problem.

Adam’s spot on. That’s exactly how it went for me. When I brought it up suddenly I was the bad guy with trust issues…

Adam_Prince of Eternia - 06 February 2010 04:24 PM

StormClouds - 05 February 2010 11:23 PM

but i still need to find a way to express discontent about the webcam site. i dont have a problem with porn, but thinking of him on a site like that just gives me this feeling in the pit of my stomach

You cannot express your feelings about the pornography without revealing that you do not trust him and went through his things.

Moreover, the pornography is not necessarily the problem; that he feels the need to hide it from you is the problem.

I think one of the hardest things with gay guys is that we’ve all experienced that period of having to hide things about who we are, that I think many guys (even when the relationship is in a state where anything can be shared) feel that they have to hide something.  The looking at porn isn’t always a problem…but being secretive about it is.

DrWhoofGallifrey - 21 February 2010 01:29 AM

I think one of the hardest things with gay guys is that we’ve all experienced that period of having to hide things about who we are, that I think many guys (even when the relationship is in a state where anything can be shared) feel that they have to hide something.  The looking at porn isn’t always a problem…but being secretive about it is.

There is no question that the behavior of the boyfriend is improper, but bad behavior does not justify bad behavior, and if confronted, he will be reactionary. The best way to de-escalate the situation is to focus on the cause and not the symptom, and to work together to find a solution. That is what partnership is about.

Adam_Prince of Eternia - 21 February 2010 02:10 AM

DrWhoofGallifrey - 21 February 2010 01:29 AM

I think one of the hardest things with gay guys is that we’ve all experienced that period of having to hide things about who we are, that I think many guys (even when the relationship is in a state where anything can be shared) feel that they have to hide something.  The looking at porn isn’t always a problem…but being secretive about it is.

There is no question that the behavior of the boyfriend is improper, but bad behavior does not justify bad behavior, and if confronted, he will be reactionary. The best way to de-escalate the situation is to focus on the cause and not the symptom, and to work together to find a solution. That is what partnership is about.

Oh dont worry…I agree….they need to sit down together and discuss this whole thing out.  Communication is a big key.

I have a much calmer, somewhat different view of these things.  Firstly, the website is no more than a masturbatory aid.  Although I can see where you’re coming from on the “paying for it” issue, it’s basically a fantasy wank in my view.  It’s a figure he can’t have, doing something he asks - the money is merely a means to an end.  It’s not like they’ll meet; so it’s not like cheating, in my view.  And yes, I can understand he would be upset if he found you’d been going through his browsing history; very few people like being “spied” on.

I think the main problems here are twofold.  Firstly, you’re not happy with the levels of intimacy with your boyfriend anyway, in which case vary the routine, introduce something new or an element of fantasy into it, something that can re-ignite a spark.  Could be a meal for two at a restaurant, it could be a spandex Spidey suit.  There’s massages, roses, sex toys and games, it’s all available to you.

I think the other problem is a lack of self esteem and hurt pride.  I think what gave it away was the whole “a guy 10x hotter than me” line.  Who says the guy’s ten times hotter than you?  Your partner’s with you because he finds you desirable and loving; the website’s there because if you give a man a toy - be it a porn website, a He-Man figure or a DVD he likes, he’s going to go and play.  Can’t help it.  The shiny new object is irresistable.  It *must* be played with.  As the one your other half found was a porn site, it’s going to have a knock on effect, as the now toy makes him horny and the resultant mess lowers the sex drive as he’s feeling somewhat sated… which leads back to the other problem’s solution

Reinvent a few things, refresh them, make them look sparkly and exciting.  That way you’re the shiny new toy, but your main advantage is you’re real, there, and have an already established relationship, so you know what pleases far more than some random dude on a pay-per-jerk website he’ll never meet.  Use that knowledge.  It’s a very powerful weapon to have in your arsenal.

Good luck with it all!