"Now, if Marvel really wanted to show the reader what was going on in this long-winded, exposition-heavy issue, they should have just typed up a bunch of rambling words, stuck them on the cover and had the X-Men snoring away in the background from sheer boredom."
-Brian Andersen on Astonishing X-Men #35
Title: The Lost Skeleton Returns Again Starring: Larry Blamire, Fay Masterson, Brian Howe, Dan Conroy, Jennifer Blaire
Written by: Larry Blamire
Directed by: Larry Blamire
Genre: Comedy, Science Fiction, Adventure
Rating: 7 out of 10 / B
Reviewed by: Johnny M
WARNING! CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR BOTH LOST SKELETON MOVIES! YOU’LL WISH THEY WERE ONLY MILD!
Two years after the events of The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, geologist Paul Armstrong (Larry Blamire) has vanished during an expedition into the Amazon jungle while searching for a rare new element. His loyal, chipper wife Betty (Fay Masterson), along with a government agent, goes looking for him, joining up with guide Jungle Brad (Dan Conroy) and mild-mannered Peter Fleming (Brian Howe)…who is secretly being controlled by the Lost Skeleton of Cadavra itself! Paul and Betty’s group must race against time to find the element before a team hired by a nefarious industrialist does, all the while dodging horrible monsters, the strange Cantaloupe People, the return of old acquaintances and the sinister plans of a floating, grinning Lost Skeleton. Well, okay, it’s just a Lost Skull at the moment, but soon…soon! MUAH HA HA HA!!!
The entire cast of the first film returns for another trip to the Ed Wood wing of the B-Movie Drive-In, even the three actors whose characters died. Brian Howe and Dan Conroy, who played evil scientist Roger Fleming and stalwart Ranger Brad respectively, return as the twin brothers of their former characters. Meanwhile, Robert Deveau, who played the ill-fated farmer in the first film, here plays the villainous Handscomb Draile. Jennifer Blaire returns as Animala--this time made from four jungle creatures instead of forest creatures--and Marvan aliens Kro-Bar and Lattis are back as petulant and ill-informed as ever. Prior knowledge of the first film isn’t necessary, however, since the characters do their best to explain everything in purposefully clunky exposition, delivered with all the appropriate drama.
What does help, though, is a knowledge of horribly-made genre films from the 1950s. Returns seeks to mimic the cheaply-made “B-reel” films, the throwaway features that played after the main attraction during double features. The budget and production values have increased exponentially since the first film, but it’s still filled with cheap foam monsters, obvious pull-string effects and painfully stilted dialogue. All of it on purpose, of course. The film is much more of an obvious satire than the first film, which was largely a stone-faced recreation of a Z-grade monster film. The laughs are as plentiful, but they tend to come in waves and bursts rather than a steady stream of ridiculousness.
The cast is just as sure and deft at acting horribly as they were in the first film. In fact, most of the cast seems to be more comfortable in their roles. Fay Masterson makes the biggest leap, giving Betty an interesting new depth an a very idiosyncratic kind of housewifely logic. Andy Parks and Susan McConnell get the most mileage out of their screen time, with almost each scene with Kro-Bar and Lattis guaranteeing a laugh. Jennifer Blaire also lights up the screen as Animala. The new members of the cast are integrated well into the rest, and there is a very distinctive synergy that makes the scenes flow effortlessly even when they (intentionally) sputter and stutter. On a personal note, this reviewer thinks Dan Conroy is adorable in his safari khakis.
Not everything is bliss in the Amazon jungle, however. Some of the scenes tend to go on too long, with some of the jokes stretched just a beat or two beyond their welcome. A subplot where evil scientist Ellamy Royne teaches the Queen of the Cantaloupe People the “power of the double negative” takes up far too much screen time. Those who loved the play-it-straight feel of the first film may be put off the by the constant winking at the camera in this film. The fourth wall in this film is rather permeable, which may or may not be your cup of tea. The Skeleton, in particular, often seems like he’s channeling Mystery Science Theatre 3000.
Returns feels much more like a “real” film than the first one did. Writer/director/star Larry Blamire has a great feel for his source material and a definite love for those horrible sci-fi films of yesteryear. With a bigger budget, a bigger cast and a more outrageous storyline, which never makes sense and is never supposed to, there couldn’t be a better way for the Lost Skeleton to return…AGAIN!
P.S. In honor of the return of the Lost Skeleton, let’s give away three The Lost Skeleton Returns Again DVDs to the first three fans who post their favorite Lost Skeleton quotes in the comments section below.
Quote of the Week: There’s Got to Be a Morning After
I haven’t been watching RuPaul’s Drag U, mainly because I didn’t know it was on. I happened to catch a marathon this weekend and was pleasantly surprised, sort of. It was nice seeing the queens from Drag Race again (Yay! Pandora!), but it’s hard to believe that biological women have any desire to look like drag queens. Yet, there they were, rolling around in makeup and glitter, tearfully confessing they hadn’t felt so feminine in years. If you say so, ladies. The high point, of course, is all the bitchy comments from the queens (mainly at each other’s expense) throughout the show. And the wisdom of Ru, who has somehow turned into the Yoda of drag, offering delicious and profound observations, like this one:
RuPaul: Drag is about creating a fantasy persona. It’s about getting to do all the things you’ve never done before, with no reprucussions. Drag is like the morning after pill.
Rozy: What do you know about the morning after pill?
RuPaul: Honey, I am high as a kite on morning after pills right now.
-"Super Sisters,” RuPaul’s Drag U
I’m going to find the perfect occasion to quote this gem. Probably during the holidays. Probably Thanksgiving with the fam.
You can watch full episodes of RuPaul’s Drag U on LogoTV.com and new episodes Mondays at 9/8c on Logo.
I’m always fascinated by (and drawn to) those guys who seem to have all the confidence in the world, none of the hang-ups and little or no inhibitions. I suppose it’s because I, myself, am such a bundle of neuroses. I think part of the reason I’ve been so ga-ga over August Fanboy of the Month Matt is because he’s one of those guys. Confident, uninhibited and sexy, yet warm, friendly and surprisingly down-to-earth, he’s easy to talk to, easy to make laugh and easy to fall for, even if just for the month of August.
From my years as a photographer, and now in a producer role, I’ve learned there are really only two kinds of guys in the world: those who have no problem taking their clothes off and those who do. Lucky for us, Matt was dropping his pants (and more) before I could even finish giving him the direction. Since 2010 will probably be the last year we show skin in the FBOTM feature, I’m very glad we got Matt in before the format change. And we still have one week to go! Plus, the exclusive shots that will appear in the 2011 Fanboy of the Month Calendar. So, there’s still plenty of Matt to go around!
• Get your free desktop calendar, featuring August FBOTM Matt, on the Downloads page.
• Check out the latest photos from Matt’s shoot in the Gallery.
• Learn all about Matt and his proposition for Johnny Depp and David Gilmour in the FBOTM Lounge.
• Watch Matt’s behind-the-scenes video in the FBOTM Lounge or on the FBOTU YouTube page.
Have a great weekend! Be sure to go out and have some fun before summer comes to an end. Or stay in and read comics, play video games and look at Matt. That works, too!
Do you think the stars of True Blood ever get tired of being naked and splattered with fake blood? Judging by the cover of the latest Rolling Stone, Alexander Skarsgard might be getting a little tired of it. Or is he just annoyed to be holding Anna Paquin‘s leg and sharing the spotlight?
After site members demanded I give True Blood a second, then third chance, I did my best to keep up with this season. I’m a couple of episodes behind now, not that it matters. I’ve taken to fast-forwarding through most of it, waiting for Joe Manganiello (Alcide) to take his clothes off. Seriously, the man is too beautiful. It’s like he’s something higher on the food chain than human, the next step in evolution. You’d think they could have found room for him on the cover of Rolling Stone. He could have been kneeling in front of Alexander, playing his dutiful, faithful servant. Where was I? Oh yeah, so until Sookie manages to get him killed, I’ll keep watching.
Rolling Stone hits newsstands today, so be sure to pick it up, if only to Photoshop or tape your picture over Anna’s. In the meantime, here’s an excerpt from the article:
“The idea of celibate vampires is ridiculous, True Blood creator Alan Ball says. ‘To me, vampires are sex,’ he says. ‘I don’t get a vampire story about abstinence. I’m 53. I don’t care about high school students. I find them irritating and uninformed.’
On his show, every available orifice is used for intercourse: gay, straight, between humans and supernatural beings, and supernatural being on supernatural being, whether he be werewolf, dog or an enormous Minotaur-looking being called a maenad. None of the sex is quite as good as vampire sex, though, which can happen at the astonishing rhythm of 120 bpm while simultaneously devouring one’s neck and making your eyes roll back into your head.
Says Stephen Moyer — who plays Bill Compton, the undead Southern Civil War Veteran — ‘If we go from a base level, vampires create a hole in the neck where there wasn’t one before. It’s a de-virginization — breaking the hymen, creating blood and then drinking the virginal blood. And there’s something sharp, the fang, which is probing and penetrating and moving into it. So that’s pretty sexy. I think that makes vampires attractive.’ He laughs a little. ‘Plus, Robert Pattinson is just hot, right?’
I can’t even begin to calculate the amount of money I’ve spent at Target in my lifetime. What I’ve spent on cleaning supplies alone would probably support a small country for a year. Then there are the toys. Not only have I bought bits of plastic for myself over the years, but also for my niece, nephews and all the other kids that my straight friends keep producing. Plus, I could always buy cool comic book t-shirts for the FBOTM photo shoots there. Honestly, you could find me at Target at least twice a week.
Well, several weeks have passed now, and I haven’t stepped foot inside a Target store. Since Target brazenly donated $150,000 to Minnesota Forward for the purpose of supporting anti-gay gubernatorial candidate Tom Emmer, I, along with millions of other LGBT consumers, have felt betrayed. Target’s actions are particularly painful, because, let’s face it, we’ve always considered them to be “our” store. When Long-Suffering Boyfriend Michael and I used to make our weekly sojourns there, we’d often play a rousing game of “count the gays.” Like Home Depot, Target was always gay central. And that’s not even counting the West Hollywood location, which could qualify as its own circuit party most of the time.
Target has proclaimed that while they don’t support Emmer’s stance on gay rights, they do like his stance on job creation and, oh yeah, slashing the minimum wage in Minnesota. Everyone has the right to hate whoever they want to and use whatever power they have to subjugate and destroy others. Fine. But if Target is telling me that when I hand them my money, they turn around and hand it to some nut job who wants to block or take away my rights, then we have a problem.
The bigger issue here, of course, is that while the democracy we enjoy in America has always been influenced by people and corporations with power and money, it was never blatantly written into law until the Supreme Court (Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission) eased restrictions on how and when corporations can contribute to political candidates. Luckily, there’s also disclosure, which is how and why we found out about this contribution in the first place.
Target has issued a couple of tepid apologies, but stands by its donation. This week, talks broke down between Target and the Human Rights Campaign (and don’t even get me started on them; that’s a whole other bucket of crazy). So, Target is sticking to their guns and are, presumably, hoping this will all blow over, and that the gays will come back and give them more money that they can then use to limit or eliminate our rights.
I know it’s hard to change habits, especially when they involve fanboy passions, like action figures and DVDs and music and really cute Superman t-shirts. And I know that corporations like Target and Best Buy are hoping we just shrug and go back to shopping, business as usual. But until Target takes responsibility for the damage they’ve caused and really do something to make it right, I can shop elsewhere. I’ve been driving out of my way, making more stops than usual, and either spending more or doing without, but I believe it’s worth it. If, in this struggle for equality, I can’t deal with a little inconvenience for the cause, then I don’t deserve equality. So, I’m boycotting.
That’s my stand. That’s FBOTU’s stand. I hope you’ll give it some thought, read up on the issue and take a stand as well.
You can learn more about the Target boycott at MoveOn.org or on Facebook.
As I mentioned in the Comics Load, I’m really enjoying the current storyline in Superman. He’s walking across America, getting back in touch with humanity and trying to help out wherever he can, that is, until he’s attacked by a giant mecha-armor alien thing. I guess if you’re Superman, you have to expect that, even on a stroll. But when the giant mecha-armor alien thing boasts that even Superman is vulnerable to its power, Supes has had enough.
“People always say things like that. ‘I designed this weapon to hurt even you!’ And they always miss the point. The design focuses on the wrong goal. Yes, I can be hurt. It’s actually not that difficult. So the hard part isn’t hurting me. The hard part is surviving me.”
-Superman, Superman #702
Oh, I am so going to use that line the next time a giant mecha-armor alien thing attacks me. Which should be any minute now.
