“If you’re sitting up there in your silly little space ships with all your silly little guns, and you’ve got any plans on taking the Pandorica tonight, just remember who’s standing in your way! Remember every black day I ever stopped you, and then, and then, do the smart thing. Let somebody else try first!”
-Doctor Who, “The Pandorica Opens”
Because I was raised through a joint effort by the television and the microwave, I suffer from a certain amount of brain damage. This manifests itself primarily when I wake up in the morning singing theme songs from 80s sitcoms or jingles from commercials. Ergo, I can’t remember my name, but I can remember all the words to the Hershey’s song. This morning, it was the homoerotic Scott Baio vehicle Charles In Charge taking over my brainwaves. Because I like to share the madness, here it is:
Oy, I did not need to see this first thing in the morning.
As you know, I get a slew of emails from toy sellers every morning. Or maybe they come in the middle of the night. Who knows? The point is that it’s like getting the Sears Wishbook every single day, and I love it. But sometimes I’m baffled by what the people in charge choose to preserve in plastic and then sell to me. Today’s WTF toy moment is brought to you by the good people at Gentle Giant. They have produced what can only be described as the ickiest statue in the history of the world. Clone Wars mega-bitch Asajj Ventress drapes herself all over hot nonagenarian Count Dooku as, I assume, a bunch of battle droids watch and say stupid things like, “Roger-roger.” Here’s what’s wrong with this picture:
1. Besides some metal bikinis and a few sibling smooches, there is no sexuality in Star Wars.
2. Admittedly, there ain’t much to choose from in terms of evil hotties. Among General Grievous, Emperor Palpatine and Count Dooku, I suppose Dooku is the less horrific of the bunch. But still, I think I would bend over for Jar Jar before Dooku. (Though I would prefer Bail Organa. Mmm....Jimmy Smits.)
3. Asajj is just not good girlfriend material. True, I’ve never had a girlfriend, but I have seen a lot of Meg Ryan movies, so I think I know how they should behave. Can you imagine calling your little Sith Witch and saying, “Hey, Asajj. I know it’s short notice, but Emperor Palpatine wants to come over for dinner. I know, I know. Could you...I know...could you whip something up? Yeah. He likes your pot roast, but doesn’t that take too long?” I don’t see it happening.
So for only $229.99, you can have this creepy mating of creepy characters next to your bed for conjugal inspiration. Yowza! “Oh, Dooku! Tell me about Sauron! Oo yeah! I like it when you take your teeth out!”
I know, I just posted the first shots of LaGuan, our Fanboy of the Month for September, on Tuesday. If you think it’s too soon to post more, I’d be happy to take them down and save them for next FBOTM Friday. No? All right, then. Head on over to the Gallery to see the latest shots of LaGuan, then be sure to read up on his fanboy likes and dislikes on the FBOTM page. Then, if you haven’t completed the FBOTM Questionnaire yourself, you can do that over in the Forum. Then...well...then have a great weekend! Remember, life is short. Try to spend as much of it as you can watching cartoons and posing your action figures! I know I will.
Can’t stay long. Have to go wait by my mailbox for the new issue of Details, featuring Daniel Radcliffe. Apparently, in the interview, Daniel reveals his dream role is to play a big old queen: “I think part of me would love to play a drag queen, just because it would be an excuse to wear loads of eye make-up.” For those who would scoff, this is actually a huge step forward for young Hollywood actors. Not long ago, hunky young stars would do revealing interviews where they’d admit they’re just dying to play serial killers or gays. So at least he wants to play a drag queen for the eye makeup and not because it’s up there with serial killer. Daniel also reveals that he lost his virginity at the age of 16 to an “older woman.” I read that a few times, then decoded the secret hidden message. Older woman. Old(er) (wo)man. Old(er wo)man. Oldman. Gary Oldman. He lost his virginity at 16 to Gary Oldman! You read it here first, folks.
Disclaimer: Having sex with 16-year olds is wrong and illegal (in the US), even if you’re Gary Oldman (especially if you’re Gary Oldman). Fanboys of the Universe does not in any way condone this behavior.
Volume Three of Derek Waters’ series of Drunk History lessons relates the inspiring and noble tale of Oney Judge, a slave who managed to escape the service of George and Martha Washington and personified what it really means to be free. Comedian Jen Kirkman downs a bottle and a half of wine and narrates the tale. If only my elementary school teachers had been drunk, I might have paid more attention. You can see the previous volumes, featuring Jack Black and Michael Cera on FunnyorDie or YouTube.
I should really start filming the Fanboy of the Month photo shoots. Pictures alone just don’t do justice to the charm, personality and charisma of a guy like LaGuan, our new FBOTM for September. Most guys come into a shoot a little nervous. Not LaGuan. He was cool, confident and all smiles. When I was going through wardrobe options with all the guys, I asked if anyone was interested in wearing a jockstrap instead of the traditional FBOTM briefs. The other guys took a subtle step backward just as LaGuan’s hand shot up in the air. “I will,” he volunteered with a grin. So be sure to check out LaGuan’s first few shots over in the Gallery, then tune in every Friday in September for more. You can read all about LaGuan’s fondness for game shows and movies over on the FBOTM page. Don’t miss his answer to the bonus question. It brings new meaning to “more than meets the eye.” Enjoy!
I discovered Galaxy Quest on cable one night and couldn’t stop laughing. I ran out and bought the DVD and have now seen it more times than I can count. I know it didn’t do very well in its original release, but it’s definitely one of those movies that I have no problem watching again and again and quoting to friends. So imagine my delight when I walked into my local comic monger’s and found issue #1 of the new Galaxy Quest comic book series from IDW!
It’s a five-part story focusing on a new threat to the Earth just as the gang is launching the new Galaxy Quest series on TV. It’s a fun read so far, though the story set-up doesn’t leave much room for the jokes that made the movie so fun. But I’ll keep reading. The Quote of the Week goes to Sigourney Weaver as Gwen DeMarco, finally expressing the same shock and confusion we all feel when we see the obligatory scene in so many sci-fi and adventure movies featuring the “chompy, crushy things.”
And so I’m back...from outer space. Close enough. I’m back from New Orleans. Unfortunately, my Southern Decadence revelry was cut short by some pushy guy named Gustav who I happen to believe is all wet and full of hot air. Luckily, the mandatory evacuation and my harrowing 11-hour car ride didn’t come until after the big fundraiser party where we raffled off the Fanboys of the Universe gift basket! If you recall, we’ve been discussing what sort of stuff to include in the basket over in the Forum. Well, here’s a picture of the final basket items on display. You’ll see we’re strategically located between the Fleshjacks and the Manline bondage gear:
Not pictured are the Mark of Aeacus and Metropolis U t-shirts. They’re in the Batman bag at the time of this photo. Also, I mentioned the other day that DC Comics was going to send me some stuff to include, but I wouldn’t know what exactly until I got to the hotel. I was totally expecting a handful of comics or DVDs. Imagine my utter surprise and shock, when I opened the box and found a Batman Dark Crusader statue and the 3-volume Absolute Sandman Collection! Holy generosity, Batman! I couldn’t cram such mega prizes into my little bag, so they were set up separately and attributed to DC. Check ‘em out:
My undying gratitude goes out to everyone who contributed to the basket. With your help, we raised over $1,500 for Food for Friends, an awesome organization in New Orleans that delivers healthy meals to home-bound people living with HIV/AIDS. After Gustav, they’re going to need more help than ever, so I’m very glad we could help send some cash their way. Finally, as I was sort of expecting, the fellow who actually won the basket was not a fanboy. In fact, he confessed that he didn’t know anything about fanboy culture. However, he did say he was thrilled to win and would definitely be enjoying the contents of our basket. Who knows? Maybe we’ve made a convert! Luckily, the guys who won the statue and the Sandman books were indeed fans and were very excited about their loot! I’m hoping they all find their way to the site. We’re welcoming all Southern Decadence evacuees here at Fanboys of the Universe!
